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 Almasi (The Tale Of Little Diamond)

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LionPrincess
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LionPrincess


Age : 34
Location : Pridelands Of Scotland
Posts : 36
Join date : 2009-11-20

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PostSubject: Almasi (The Tale Of Little Diamond)   Almasi (The Tale Of Little Diamond) Icon_minitimeSun Nov 22, 2009 8:49 pm

Almasi
The Tale Of Little Diamond
(By Lion Princess)

Chapter 1

Almasi was raised in the Outlands, a horrible place with little food and hardly any water and if that’s not bad enough it was dark and dingy, she was raised by a group of rogue lions and Rajali was their leader and although there where no other cubs she always found someone to play with, Almasi was a beautiful little lioness, with dark brown fur, sky blue eyes and a unusual little diamond on her forehead one day when Almasi was out hunting she came across a big grass plane with a lake running threw it and millions of flowers it was the most beautiful place she had ever seen, after she stopped admiring the view she spotted some zebra a few meters in,“Rajali will be so proud if I bring back a whole zebra” she thought to her self as she crouched down and started to stalk her prey,
As she got closer all of the zebra started to run, she looked around but there was no one to be seen, and after a few seconds,“WOOHOO” she heard and she seen a group of lion cubs around her age playing and chasing the zebra, it looked like fun but she quickly realized were she was, “Oh no” she whispered to her self and turned and headed back the way she came, “HEY YOU” she heard coming from behind her, She looked around and saw one of the lion cubs but she quickly turned back and kept walking, “HEY LITTLE DIAMOND” he shouted, This time Almasi stopped and looked round “Me?” she asked, The cub looked at her with a funny expression on his face “Well you’re the only one around hear with a diamond on you” he laughed “Anyway what’s your name” he asked her, she walked closer to him “Almasi” she replied as she stared at the handsome little lion walking towards her, he had light golden fur with a little tuft of black hair on the top of his head but the strange thing about him is that he had a thick black stripe that went from his nose over his head and down his back to were his tale started, “I’m Mosi, so do you wanna play Almasi?” he asked as he walked up to her and crouched down into a pouncing position, “Erm I can’t” she answered as she hung her head, “Why not” he asked as he stood up again and leaned his head to the side with curiosity, “I gotta go hunt” she told him and she looked so disappointed that she had to go hunt rather than play,“HUNT” he said looking very surprised,“Yes, and I’m not supposed to be in the Pridelands” she told him looking ashamed, “You’re an Outlander, cool” he said, he looked excited and started to jump around crazily, “Yeh” she laughed, although she wasn’t happy you see Almasi hated being an Outlander and she wished she could just play like a normal cub instead of having to hunt for food that she hardly ever got to eat “I gotta go Mosi” she told him as she ran off, When she reached the dark murky borders of the Outlands she heard in the distance a little voice shouting “BYE LITTLE DIAMOND”

As Almasi headed back to the den she caught a baby antelope that had strayed from the heard and brought it back to Rajali who was already eating a Zebra that one of the lionesses probably caught , Rajali was a large lion, one of the biggest in the outlands, he had light brown fur and a black main and four scars on his side from when he was fighting with Radhi (the king of the Pridelands),as she entered the den and laid the antelope next to him he turned to her “Keep it for yourself little one” he told her “And well done on catching your prey” he added as he turned back to his meal sinking his ivory fangs into the Zebra and ripping it limb from limb swallowing large pieces of her animal as he went, his face covered in blood he turned to Almasi as she spoke, “Thank you” she replied as she seen the gruesome way in which her fellow lion was devouring his food, “Rajali” she said as she started to rip off pieces of the antelope with her talons hoping not to get the blood every were, “Yes little one” as he looked confused at the tidy manner of the way the cub was neatly slicing up her food, “Where is my mother and father” she asked him as she took one of the strips of meat she had cut onto her talon and dropped it into her mouth, “well you see Almasi your mother was a Pridelander and she was exiled because your father was an outlander” he told her looking sad that what he was about to tell her was going to upset the young cub, he lay beside her and moved her closer to him “after you were born your mother was killed by hyenas” he stopped for a while as he noticed that Almasi had stopped eating and was staring at him as her eyes filled with tears, “killed” Almasi thought her eyes felt like they were about to burst “And my father” she asked threw a sob as she rubbed her eyes to hide the tears,
“We never knew who your father was” he told her “we think it was Zuberi he was the leader of the Outlanders and after your mother died he just disappeared but Kumali said he can see him every so often in the distance watching you play”,
Almasi smiled as she asked one last question “Do I look like my mother” she asked as she found a comfortable spot and lay down, Rajali walked over and lay beside her “you grow more like her every day” he comforted her as he nuzzled her and she quickly fell asleep.



The next morning when Almasi awoke there was nobody to be seen “as usual” she thought to herself as she walked outside and looked for the sun, that was always blocked by termite mounds, as she walked threw the horrible lands that she called home she ran into a little lion cub, she looked a lot younger than Almasi, “Hey, were is your mama little one” Almasi asked the cub hoping that her mum was close by as she didn’t have a clue what to do with a cub so young, “I don’t know” the little lioness said with a whimper as she curled up into a little ball,
Almasi walked up to the cub and nudged her so that she would come out of the ball she had curled herself into “Which Pride are you from” she asked her as she stared at her, The young cub unravelled herself from the ball she was in but kept herself low to the ground “We are Pridelanders, please don’t kill me” the cub said with worry, Almasi looked confused at the cubs comment “I’m not going to kill you, what made you think that” Almasi asked, The cub rose to her paws and shook off the dirt that matted her fur “Radhi told us that Outlanders kill Pridelander cubs if they catch them” the little cub said with fear in her eyes,Almasi got even closer to the cub and put her forepaw on her head “That’s not true well not in my case anyway” she told her “what’s your name” she asked,The cub smiled “Naliah” she told her, “I’m Almasi” she replied “would you like me to help you find your mother?” She asked as she stood and looked around her hoping to spot the cubs mother quickly, Naliah looked delighted at Almasi‘s generous offer “Yes please” said the small cub as she suddenly trusted Almasi, Almasi smiled nervously as she was unsure of what to do if she didn’t find the cubs mother, would she take her back to Rajali and hope he spares the cub or would she just leave her, she really didn’t know “Well let’s go then” she said as she looked into a very dark area covered by trees, And with that the two cubs set off, looking for Naliah’s mother, not even knowing if they would find her alive.

As they walked further into the murk of the Outlands the two cubs stopped in there tracks as the heard a loud cry “what was that” Naliah asked as she hid behind Almasi, Almasi also looked terrified “I don’t know, I will go and check it out, you wait here” she told the young cub as she shuffled her under a broken down tree
“do not move from here no matter what” she told Naliah as she ran off in the direction that the noise was coming from.

As Almasi got deeper in the Outlands the noise got closer “oh no, what have I got myself into” she thought as she spotted something in the distance, she couldn’t quite make out what it was threw the murky air so she got closer, then she saw the most disturbing thing she had ever seen, a beautiful young lioness fighting for her life against a pack of hyenas and she couldn’t do anything but watch, then suddenly Almasi thought of what Rajali had told her the night before and she knew that if Zuberi was truly her father he would come to her if she called for his help, “HELP” the little lioness called at the top of her voice,
Then the Hyenas noticed that she was there and let the young lioness go and turned for her “HELP” she screamed in a panic as she seen four hyenas walking slowly towards her, and then Almasi heard the loudest roar she had ever heard in her life as a shadow appeared above her, she looked up and seen the biggest lion she had ever seen “wow he is bigger than Rajali” she thought, the lion was big and muscular, he had a black mane and dark brown fur with a black underbelly and forepaws with a lot of scars all over his body, Almasi though she was not even a quarter of the size of this majestic lion she wasn’t the slightest bit scared, as soon as the hyenas saw him they scattered

“I am Zuberi” the lion told Almasi as he lay down beside her, She then looked up to the enormous lion “And is what Rajali told me true, are you my father” the curious cub asked him as she lay herself close to the ground, he looked down to her “Yes young one, I am your father” he told her as a smile appeared on his face, As he told her this Almasi looked furious “then why didn’t you raise me, why did you leave it to Rajali to be my father” the cub snapped at him, “Almasi I wasn’t fit to raise a young cub and I was at war with Radhi if he or any of his Pride had knew I was your father then seen you alone they would have surely killed you, I didn’t want to put you at risk young one” he told her as the smile on his face faded and the mighty lion looked as if he could cry.

Almasi turned her back to him and without saying anything she walked away from him and towards the injured lioness “how could he do this” she thought to herself, as she reached the injured lioness she noticed that she looked familiar, just like an older version of Naliah, “are you Naliah’s mother” she asked the lioness, the lioness quickly turned to look at her “you know were my baby is” she said with a sigh of relief as Almasi nodded yes “yip” Almasi told her “come on I will take you to her” she said, “ALMASI” Zuberi shouted over to the cub with a tear rolling down his dark brown cheek, Almasi just ignored him and turned again to the injured lioness “lets go get Naliah” she said as she headed back in the direction she in which came.
The injured lioness followed her back to the tree were she had left the small cub, when they got there Naliah was nowhere to be seen “I swear I left her right here” Almasi trembled at the thought of what might have happened to the cub in her absence, the injured lioness started to panic “Naliah, Naliah” she shouted as she ran around looking for her cub, and then a small figure appeared out from under another broken down tree “mama” the small cub cried as she ran to her mother, the injured lioness nuzzled her cub with deep affection as she let out a cry “I thought I had lost you for good” she said as she grabbed her youngster close to her with her forepaw and held her tight
Almasi realized that she still hadn’t asked the injured lioness a vital question so she walked right up to her “what’s your name” she asked as she lay down and got into a comfortable position on the ground next to her, the injured lioness turned to Almasi and smiled at the curious little brown furred blue eyed cub “ My name is Arana” she told the little ball of fur that had saved her daughter and also saved her “Almasi, who was the male you were with” Arana asked her, Almasi watched the lioness as she spoke, she was the most beautiful lioness she had ever seen “Arana, that is such a pretty name” she said with a smile and then she heard Arana’s question “oh him” she sighed “he is my father” she told her as the smile that was on her face faded, she was disappointed with herself for ignoring him as she knew he loved her and was just trying to do what was best for her, Arana smiled at Almasi “do you want to go back and get him” she asked kindly as she could see the cub was upset.
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Ashley

Ashley


Location : Washington
Posts : 5
Join date : 2010-02-01

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PostSubject: Re: Almasi (The Tale Of Little Diamond)   Almasi (The Tale Of Little Diamond) Icon_minitimeTue Feb 02, 2010 12:00 am

A very intriguing story. Though some changes might be made. Commas. Commas are very importent in writing, signifies things like when someone is speaking, you write, "I was speaking," Notice the comma in there? I think that was just a common mistake if you were in a hurry. However, I noticed that you used run-on sentances and commas instead of periods. Lol, remember that commas are not the only punctuation in a sentance. Another thing that would be good to know is where to put your commas. When you are addressing someone, you write, "Hello, Simba. I'm going to the Pride Lands today; would you like to come?" See that? (Underlined it) So that's all I would suggest besides maybe a few mis-spellings and some words that needed capitilizing. Can't say much about your story though, haven't got into the plot as much. More chapters! =D
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LionPrincess
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LionPrincess


Age : 34
Location : Pridelands Of Scotland
Posts : 36
Join date : 2009-11-20

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PostSubject: Re: Almasi (The Tale Of Little Diamond)   Almasi (The Tale Of Little Diamond) Icon_minitimeWed Mar 17, 2010 3:09 pm

thanks for the input i will be sure to fix x x will be adding more soon x x
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PostSubject: Re: Almasi (The Tale Of Little Diamond)   Almasi (The Tale Of Little Diamond) Icon_minitime

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